You know that feeling; I can’t seem to describe it.

Surrounded by many faces, yet feeling lonelier then ever.

Many numbers on my phone to dial and still there is no one to talk with.

I cannot comprehend how one can feel this lonely, oh how ironic.

So I try to put pen to paper, talking to myself seems to make more sense.

Because if you cannot trust yourself with keeping your own secrets, do not expect others to keep it for you. That’s how I see it, being able to trust your own soul is the main factor most of us struggle with. 

See, I'm not even sure what is bothering me, what is hurting me, or am I even hurting? It’s like I have not felt the main organ in my body in such a long time. Not been able to care or ‘love’, could this be a sign?

But why should I give myself to anyone when everything and everybody in this dunya is a temporary attachment.

Why grow to love something that will be taken away from you at one point.

I use to get attached so easily, not only to material objects but even more to people. When I feel they are a part of my life, they become special to me, I rely so much on their presence, that if they were to leave me, it would completely shatter me into pieces.

I have been like this most of my life; I can't deny how much it has had an impact on me emotionally and mentally.

Once I cared for someone or had ‘love’ for them, I was willing to be there as a good friend should be and run the extra mile for them.

The mistake was that with these false attachments, it slowly breaks you without even realising it.

And once this object or person is no longer in your life, that’s when it starts to raise a hundred questions.

What did I do wrong? Did I scare them away? Surely it must be me with the problem if I keep losing my possessions?

What I did not apprehend was that they were never my belongings in the first place. It broke me, to a point where nothing could hurt me any more. It has left a long term effect on my emotions and my views on everything changed, including how I treat people. My attitude towards ‘love’ and friendships and this world is no longer a priority.  The one thing I truly want is to be completely detached from this world; I don’t want to be part of it any more. The amount of times ‘friends’ have become enemies, two faced people and all the other negatives in my environment as well as home, should be a clear sign to me, that I should not be close to anything that will never be and was never to begin with ‘mine’. Once I accept this, maybe inside there will be some kind of peace.

I keep telling myself there is something missing within me, like a missing piece of an incomplete puzzle. For a while, I’ve been trying to figure out what that missing piece was. My mother told me I have ‘a heart of ice’, the way I view the world and everything in it is way too cold.

I disagree, sometimes people pretend to have a heart of ice and be ‘harsh’ to protect it from any harm because they have experienced pain before.

The protection of the heart becomes so important, as it took time to heal the broken wounds.

If something has been broken or stamped on repeatedly, why would you put it at risk again?

Only a fool would do that. I cannot deny that I have no heart, of course I do. But I choose to protect it from further damages.

Not everybody deserves to see it, nor is it for anyone else but the owner itself, God. After searching for answers/solutions to this missing piece within me, I finally realised that it is in fact Imaan that is missing. I have known this all along deep down, but never admitted it to myself.

My imaan has become so low, and that’s why I have been feeling empty and lonely.

Lack of imaan is a danger to ones soul as well as the heart. However, the attachment to the momentary entertainments of this dunya withholds me from feeding my imaan.

Once we are too busy with these false attachments and the amusements we are experiencing, we forget about our main purpose in life, to increase our knowledge and create a closer bond with God. What we have forgotten is to remember our real purpose of existing, being here and focusing on our Akhira. This world is nothing but a fantasy that we all choose to create; it has blinded us from reality…

See, I’ve been trying to explain what’s going on in my head, yet I failed again. I have only covered a few issues which I still wasn’t able to fully explain.